6 Things You Need to Know About Teenage Boys

Untitled design (5)Raising sons is not for the faint of heart–or those with an active gag reflex. Every day is like ripping a page from “Ripley’s Believe it Or Not” and reenacting it in your house. As a veteran with three of the species, I offer you the following PSA. You’re welcome..

1. They will see those girl parts. I have been getting dressed in the dark, in the closet or in the bathroom for years. Yet, I know there will come a time when they bust in on me partially clothed. This intrusion will be prompted by a true emergency like a sick YouTube video I need to watch right now. Or telling me their brother is so annoying when he talks like “that.” Mid-sentence, they will realize they are seeing real, live mom-flesh. With panic rooting them to the spot, they will get a visual of the properties of gravity first-hand. The science teacher can thank me later. This incident will suck all of the oxygen from the room until they recover enough to flee from the scene. There is a high likelihood that we will never speak of this event, even after I have gone to confession, endured sleepless nights and opened a bank account for each to fund future therapy.

2. They smell. Actually, there is no word in the English language to accurately communicate teen boy sweat. I called this phenomenon “Sweatmones.” Their hormones—and they kick in early people—turn the sweat into a living, breathing entity stronger than an army. Much like a Sherman tank, it rolls over any deodorant like child’s play. The odor hangs in the air; slapping you in the face over and over until you’re faint. The good news? There is a careful layering process of scented body wash, (soap is totally old school), shampoo and deodorant that gives parents a reprieve from sweatmones for approximately 10 minutes out of every 24-hr period. If you can get them in the shower, that is.

3. They cannot stop touching each other. My husband and his two brothers still wrestle on the floor at least once a year, and their combined ages hover around 150. So, why would I expect the younger pups not to follow suit? A punch in the arm is like an exclamation point on any sentence and they punctuate OFTEN. They-and I mean father and sons—have a goal line stance drill that plays out in the middle of my family room floor with the dog barking in circles around them. The pictures shake on the mantle, I cringe as heads graze the very edge of the coffee table and they are in heaven. BECAUSE THEY ARE TOUCHING EACH OTHER.

4. And they cannot stop touching themselves. I cannot, will not, provide any details on this because, blessedly, I have no details on this. The saying “Ignorance is Bliss’ originated with some mom of a teenage son who had a pretty good idea that her son got “handy” but never wanted to confirm. I am squarely in her camp. The fascination never, ever ends for them. They touch and adjust constantly. Wearing boxers and a t-shirt is “dressed”, and is how they are most comfortable, BECAUSE THEY CAN EASILY TOUCH THEMSELVES. Enough said.

5. They call all of their friends by their last name. I am forever meeting boys with no first names. It is awkward when I want to tell their parents how wonderful their son is and what a pleasure it was to have him hang with us. I feel like that sentiment is more sincere when you can actually repeat the child’s name. Conversely, my sons are now just “Stiles” to legions of young men. So, I am the freak who pulls out the school directory and memorizes names in the car. If I refer to anyone solely by their first name, my sons give me a blank stare like I am speaking a foreign language. Decoder rings all around.

6.  There is a word limit. When they were younger, my kids NEVER stopped talking. They hemorrhaged words. My guess is, as they aged, the word count dropped by approximately 1000 words a year. All modifiers disappeared. So, by the time they were 14 years old, only four words remained. 1) Yes 2) no 3) good and 4) bad.  UNLESS they are talking about sports. Sports brings out modifiers, reenactments, hand motions and facial expressions that rival a Broadway show. If they are involved in the sporting event, add at least 1000 words, rampant exaggeration and possibly some jazz hands.

So, consider yourself warned by someone who has been there. Good luck ladies because, boy (see what I did there?), are you going to need it!


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Magnificence in the Mundane

Finding humor in kids and chaos


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Magnificence in the Mundane

Finding humor in kids and chaos


WordPress.com is the best place for your personal blog or business site.

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