Day 10, 2012

As if watching Lionel Richie did not do enough to make me feel ancient, the Today show now had Vanilla Ice dispensing advice about cool back-to-school gadgets for kids. Apparently, he is all respectable now and a staple of the DIY network. He has come a long way since the insightful lyrics “Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.”

Just as the segment was ending, as if motivated by some cosmic force, Drew came upstairs with my high school yearbook in his hand. Great! My trip down bad-hair memory lane was going to be all downhill.

Being very familiar with my yearbook, Drew meticulously flipped to all the pages with my picture featured. He swore that my hair looks exactly the same now as it did then. What? Where was I to begin in dispute of this ludicrous claim? Of course he had no way of knowing that the Farrah Fawcett flip featured in that photo was a labor of love every day. I pointed out the perfect symmetry of that flip that ran from my eyebrow to shoulder and was shaped like an empty paper towel roll. That does not happen by accident, my friend.

To which he replied, “Right, see it looks just the same with bangs and everything.” I was in the kitchen and starting to fear that I was going to poke my eyes out with something sharp.

Drew moved on to the picture taken at graduation with one hand holding onto my cap and the other grasping my diploma. I love this picture because I looked tall. Between some serious white, graduation heels and the cap, I was a giant! It was the first and last time I gave the illusion of height and I still got a little nostalgic for my brief growth spurt every time I looked at it.

Next up was the photo of me hamming it up and trying on graduation caps with my friends. Obviously I was so busy posing for the camera that I missed the lecture about securing said cap with ample bobby pins thus the picture Drew and I had just seen. Drew commented that I looked happy to be graduating.

I explained that I was happy to graduate because then I got to go to college and move on to bigger things. What I didn’t tell him was that I was indeed happy to be graduating before the school figured out what I had been up to for four years. I have been judicious about the stories I shared with the boys about my high school years, but looking at the yearbook prompted Drew and Reed to ask to hear the “throw up” story again.

I am stopping here for a brief apology to my mom who may or may not know this story. And also taking a moment to stress how wonderfully I turned out….

So, my parents had gone out-of-town somewhere and left my sister, Maria, and I alone. We were a senior and junior in high school with an aunt and uncle ten minutes away so it is not as neglectful as it sounds. However, the opportunity for freedom was not lost on me.

I devised a plan in which I would get sick at school and Maria would drive me home. Even if she delivered me into the care of another adult or left me home alone, she would miss a huge chunk of school. Before we left for school, I opened the refrigerator and proceeded to take a sip of everything that was on the shelf of the door. Drew stopped me at this point in the story, as he always does, and tried to make me recall all that I sampled. Because this happened in 1980, I can no longer remember but I do know the basic things we kept in the fridge. So, I ticked off the list of condiments, Worcester sauce, A-1 and the like, sure that I am not too far off base.

I continued, saying that a mere five minutes into the school day, I knew it was time to visit the health room and earn my day off. After a spectacular demonstration, they were begging me to go home! Maria was summoned and we were on our way. The fact that they wanted her to keep an eye on me was icing on the school prank cake. Having purged my system of all the junk, I felt fabulous. We spent the rest of the day lazing in the sun and listening to the five stations available on FM radio.

Not the best example in the world, but every time I tell this story, I remind them that I am craftier than they are. But not crafty enough, apparently, to hide this yearbook in a closet for good.

Drew was just getting warmed up, and I again, wanted to poke my eyes out with the butter knife on the counter. Oh! and there I am in the cafeteria with a classmate. We are smiling and happy which is the dead give-away that we are in the cafeteria at lunch. I immediately recognize the picture as one taken at my birthday celebration. Someone had baked a cake and we were eating it with forks and spoons from the pan with a chaser of a full bottle of Coke. We didn’t count calories or worry about putting on weight. Yet, my waistline is expanding at the thought of it. I literally can’t remember the last time I had a regular Coke, without a diet or zero in it anywhere.

Finally we had exhausted all of the book’s highlights for Drew and he wondered off. There at the counter, with the Today show yammering on in the background, it occurred to me that Mac was going to be getting a high school yearbook this year. In that moment I realized that I didn’t need to watch washed up celebrities on television to mark the march of time, it was happening right there in the kitchen today.


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Magnificence in the Mundane

Finding humor in kids and chaos is the best place for your personal blog or business site.

Magnificence in the Mundane

Finding humor in kids and chaos is the best place for your personal blog or business site.

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